Red light thoughts

If I were emperor of Earth, before sending humans to Mars, I would see that we had devised and implemented truly smart traffic signal lights.

What? Where?

If I were emperor of Earth, I would ban the sound of sirens over the radio. Not in songs, definitely not in advertising. The sound of sirens is meant only for emergency vehicles ... or those escorting the emperor to dinner.

Because I could

If I were emperor of Earth, I might have everyone wear the same color of clothing depending on the day of the week -- like white for Sunday, black for Monday, yellow for Tuesday and so on -- just because, as emperor, one day is much like the other and it would help me keep track of the day of the week.

Illegal block?

If I were emperor of Earth, there would be some changes in football's rules that have resulted in too many nit-picking flags on kick returns.

Short and sweet

If I were emperor of Earth, all "legal contracts" such as those utilized during online downloads of software will be short, clear and lacking legal jargon ... unlike the 4,196-word agreement the would-be emperor just clicked off as "read."

Beeeep

If I were emperor of Earth, I would make it a misdemeanor to leave an answering message on one's voice mail instructing callers how to leave a voice mail, such as, "At the beep, leave your name, phone number and a brief message and we will call back as soon as possible."

Quiet leadership

If I were emperor of Earth and had to order an attack to kill a terrorist mastermind, you wouldn't hear me bragging about my role in it. Of course, as emperor, I wouldn't be facing re-election, either.

Happy Earth Day!

If I were emperor of Earth, every day would be Earth Day.

20 percent chance of accuracy

If I were emperor of Earth, I would require all weather forecasters to display their accuracy ratings, something like a baseball player's batting average.

Big boy counting

If I were emperor of Earth, the NCAA basketball tournament would be allowed to have play-in games if it wanted, but could not refer to them as Round 1.

Snooze alarm

If I were emperor of Earth, everyone would have a "do-over" for an occasional night of sleeplessness.

Hurrah

If I were emperor of Earth, I would order that everyone have one opportunity to be applauded like the U.S. president at the beginning of the State of the Union address.

Ode to truth

If I were emperor of Earth, I would order an investigation to find out why Billy Joe MacAllister jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge and whether that nice young preacher Brother Taylor knew more than he suggested.

Get your own

If I were emperor of Earth, I would rule none but the milk industry could use "Got (blank)?" advertising. It was one of the great advertising campaigns; all who copy it scream their ineptitude.

Pull forward to the curb

If I were emperor of Earth, I would command automakers and curbmakers get together and develop standards so front bumpers would no longer drag on the curb.

No more tangles

If I were emperor of Earth, I would appoint inventors to come up with clothes hangers that do not cause people to curse.

Deposit this

If I were emperor of Earth, I would require daylight-saving time to pay interest. If you deposit 60 minutes in the spring, you get at least 62 minutes back in the fall, more following a good summer.

I know that song!

If I were emperor of Earth, I would prohibit stylized renditions of songs such as "The Star-Spangled Banner" and "God Bless America" during public gatherings such as professional sporting events. Sing the song the way the 60,000 people in the stands know it.

Historical hysterics

If I were emperor of Earth, I would proclaim that all downtowns are indeed historic and then prohibit posting signs restating that fact.

Try 'disappeared'

If I were emperor of Earth, I would start a campaign to eliminate the phrase "went missing" and its variations.

Life term

If I were emperor of Earth, I would institute term limits for elected officials. And, no, emperor is no longer an elected official.

I no longer do knee bends

If I were emperor of Earth, scientists would be charged with the task of developing something -- equipment, drugs, hypnosis ... something -- so a young adult could experience the common physical pains of a 50-year-old doing moderate activities. Young adults would be required to endure the experience so old-timers might get a little more respect for what they do.

Have a heart

If I were emperor of Earth, online news outlets would certainly be free to charge or not for their services, with one exception. They would post all obituaries where anyone can read them, no subscription and no registration required.

Mind if I light up?

If I were emperor of Earth, every restaurant and bar must decide if it wishes to allow smoking or to be smoke-free and must proclaim its smoking status in signage and advertising. The marketplace would ensure enough businesses are available for both smokers and non-smokers.

... blowing in the wind

If I were emperor of Earth, I would have to seriously consider outlawing leaf blowers.

Gooooooooooooooool!

If I were emperor of Earth, football would be football and soccer would be soccer ... just to avoid confusion.

Scotty!

If I were emperor of Earth, I would invest a hunk of gasoline taxes into research for teleportation ... "Beam me over!"

New food group

If I were emperor of Earth, chocolate would not be subject to sales tax.

Get one right first

If I were emperor of Earth, I would seriously consider requiring each country to pick and use one language, but citizens would actually be expected to know and properly use that language, like the differences between their, there and they're.

New, improved Labor Day

If I were emperor of Earth, I would designate a worldwide Labor Day, but I'll call it Non-Labor Days. Half the workers will get a paid day off one week and the other half the next week. Like that, we can still go out to eat or catch a movie without making so many people work on the holiday. The person who waits your table will be off next week while you're at work. In fact, I might do the same with other holidays.

Stop, look, look again, go

If I were emperor of Earth, it would be legal to proceed after stopping at a red light if it is safe to do so ... like right on red. To discourage risk taking, a driver would pay four, five, maybe 10 times the fine if he or she proceeds on red and contributes to an accident.

I'll just slap you

If I were emperor of Earth, I would outlaw use of the phrase, "I'm just saying ..."

No more slideshows

If I were emperor of Earth, I would forbid those online “slideshows” used to display lists such as the top 10 cities for tow truck operators. Just give us the list without making us reload your advertising over and over.