Illegal block?

If I were emperor of Earth, there would be some changes in football's rules that have resulted in too many nit-picking flags on kick returns.

Short and sweet

If I were emperor of Earth, all "legal contracts" such as those utilized during online downloads of software will be short, clear and lacking legal jargon ... unlike the 4,196-word agreement the would-be emperor just clicked off as "read."

Beeeep

If I were emperor of Earth, I would make it a misdemeanor to leave an answering message on one's voice mail instructing callers how to leave a voice mail, such as, "At the beep, leave your name, phone number and a brief message and we will call back as soon as possible."

Quiet leadership

If I were emperor of Earth and had to order an attack to kill a terrorist mastermind, you wouldn't hear me bragging about my role in it. Of course, as emperor, I wouldn't be facing re-election, either.

Happy Earth Day!

If I were emperor of Earth, every day would be Earth Day.

20 percent chance of accuracy

If I were emperor of Earth, I would require all weather forecasters to display their accuracy ratings, something like a baseball player's batting average.

Big boy counting

If I were emperor of Earth, the NCAA basketball tournament would be allowed to have play-in games if it wanted, but could not refer to them as Round 1.

Snooze alarm

If I were emperor of Earth, everyone would have a "do-over" for an occasional night of sleeplessness.

Hurrah

If I were emperor of Earth, I would order that everyone have one opportunity to be applauded like the U.S. president at the beginning of the State of the Union address.

Ode to truth

If I were emperor of Earth, I would order an investigation to find out why Billy Joe MacAllister jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge and whether that nice young preacher Brother Taylor knew more than he suggested.