Deposit this

If I were emperor of Earth, I would require daylight-saving time to pay interest. If you deposit 60 minutes in the spring, you get at least 62 minutes back in the fall, more following a good summer.

I know that song!

If I were emperor of Earth, I would prohibit stylized renditions of songs such as "The Star-Spangled Banner" and "God Bless America" during public gatherings such as professional sporting events. Sing the song the way the 60,000 people in the stands know it.

Historical hysterics

If I were emperor of Earth, I would proclaim that all downtowns are indeed historic and then prohibit posting signs restating that fact.

Try 'disappeared'

If I were emperor of Earth, I would start a campaign to eliminate the phrase "went missing" and its variations.

Life term

If I were emperor of Earth, I would institute term limits for elected officials. And, no, emperor is no longer an elected official.

I no longer do knee bends

If I were emperor of Earth, scientists would be charged with the task of developing something -- equipment, drugs, hypnosis ... something -- so a young adult could experience the common physical pains of a 50-year-old doing moderate activities. Young adults would be required to endure the experience so old-timers might get a little more respect for what they do.